I Did What I Was Supposed to Do by 40. Why Doesn’t It Feel Right?
“You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better.” - attributed to Maya Angelou
At 25, you made decisions with the 25-year-old version of you. You chose the career that seemed sensible, the relationships, the goals that looked important - or seemed so. You did what you thought would make you happy.
And then… subtly… and later, suddenly… you changed.
Which is rather inconvenient, considering how much time, money and energy you’ve already invested in becoming the person you thought you wanted to be.
So what happens when you know better - but your whole life was built around what you knew before?
Maybe this isn’t a midlife crisis
One of the unexpected things about a midlife transition is discovering that achievement and satisfaction are not necessarily the same psychological experience.
There was an unofficial deal many of us made with life. Work. Become independent. Find a decent career. Earn enough. Find a partner. Perhaps have children. Buy somewhere. Buy something. Be responsible. Don’t mess things up.
And somewhere underneath all of this was a promise:
Once I get there, I will feel okay.
Then one day you look around and realise that, in many ways, you did get there. And you don’t feel how you thought you would feel. And you definitely did not expect not to feel it.
Because how do you explain being dissatisfied with a life you spent twenty years trying to create?
Part of the explanation is ordinary. Human beings are remarkably good at adapting. The promotion that once felt enormously important becomes your normal job. The home you desperately wanted becomes the place where the boiler needs servicing.
This is why feeling lost in your 40s doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve built the wrong life. You may simply have changed while you were busy building it.
Good. Now… pay attention to your body.
What happens when you imagine another ten years in exactly the same job? What happens when you think about having a difficult conversation with your partner? What happens when you imagine doing something you’ve secretly wanted to do for years?
Where do you tighten? Where do you feel relief? What gives you energy?
The body notices that something no longer fits considerably earlier than the very sensible adult brain is prepared to discuss it.
What therapy can offer at this stage
Therapy can provide a space where you don’t have to be sensible about your life for fifty minutes.
You can say the things that feel ungrateful, contradictory, selfish, embarrassing or impossible.
I love my family and sometimes I want to run away.
I got exactly what I wanted and I don’t want it anymore.
I don’t know what I want. I just know this isn’t quite it.
Here, we can begin looking at which parts of your life genuinely belong to you, which developed through necessity or expectation, what has changed as you have changed and what your body may have been telling you while your mind has been busy carrying on.
Sometimes something genuinely does need to change. Sometimes what needs to change is how you live inside the life you already have.
The aim isn’t to become a completely different person. It is to become more conscious about the person you are now and the life you are choosing from here.
And once you start knowing better…